First Person Plural
by LeviosaFlight
Summary: Discontinued I don't know who I truly am, anymore. Everything was suppose to go back to normal but when one nightmare ends, another begins. Maybe I am Sick Sequel
1. Prologue: Peroxide

**January 20, 2008**

**YoYoYo! PD is back in the house! Hehe, well..sure you've heard this story from me before but I want to continue this fic or at least try to! First, what must we do? REVISE THIS POOPIE!**

Hey. In away this is a sequel to Maybe I am Sick. This time, Ponyboy is dealing with his demons, the voices…he other personalities. In Maybe I am Sick, I tried to hint at the idea he had DID (**Dissociative identity disorder**) once known as MPD (**multiple personality disorder**) which is is a psychiatric diagnosis described as a mental illness in which one person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment

So here is some more of my mess, hehe.

Enjoy!

** Disclaimer: Of freaking course I do not own The Outsiders or any of the characters. But, that does not mean I can't torture them until SE Hinton says 'No'! **

**First Person Plural- **

**Prologue: Peroxide**

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My dark hair unruly and wet upon my scalp, the very tips of my hair still blonde. Those blonde tips held the pain of the past months. In my right hand, new brown bottle of peroxide, the price label still attached: $.30 cents from _Ralph's Pharmacy_.

I continued to stare at my reflection; my left hand quickly ran over the towel draped across my shoulders, I watched as a drop of water or sweat ran down my forehead and reached the bridge of my nose before my left hand wiped it away.

The bottle of peroxide was unscrewed and the white cap was placed to the side, brown bottle was raised as my body bowed forward my head closer to the sink, liquid was slowly poured…I could hear it run down, drop and drain into the sink.

I waited.

A sigh escaped from my lips. I continued to wait.

I knew my head and ears were getting cold. But, I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel anything.

The process was repeated. I waited again.

The smell of peroxide made me want to gag, made me want to cry…if I could.

Whoever said scent is the strongest sense tied to memory I waned to punch in the throat. They were correct, too correct. Memories came flooding back; Johnny tugging on my hair as his pocket knife cut through the clumps, Johnny laughing at me as I threw every curse I could think of at him, Johnny-

_Shut up, you sound like a love-sick puppy. _A voice snarled.

God, help me.

_I like the smell of witch-hazel._ A quiet voice whispered in the back corner of my mind.

My hand turned the knobs of the sink, and water rushed out the facet, my head was ducked under, the chemical was rinsed out my hair.

I then saw my reflection. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wasn't able to. My hair was once again bleached to its unnatural color: blonde, like it had been those many months ago by Johnny.

Johnny…I miss him, I wish he were still here. He could help me.

"_But, he's not"_ A quiet voice said, it sounded right next to me. So close. I knew it was, but it wasn't.

I know, he's not.

"_You killed him." _The voice said again, closer. Almost, if speaking right into my ear in the darkness.

I…killed…I…I wanted Darry, I wanted Soda.

My reflection started at me coldly, a smirk slowly taking place.

"But Ponyboy," A mockingly hurt voice was coming from my body, but it wasn't my voice, kind of, this voice was feminine, cold, and emotionless, "Why would you want them, when you have us?"

We…us…them…my demons, my voices. Turns out they were more, so much more than that. These demons, in my head, could push me back and confine me in my own head…they would then take over, and run my life…run _me_. They did as they pleased.

"Whether you like it or not." The smirk turned into a wicked grin, a laugh escaped from 'my' lips.

A laugh that sounded inhuman. A laugh that I would never laugh.

It's not…me.

**Prologue: Peroxide**

**To be Continued…**

So, guys? What cha' think? Interesting or not? Continue or just dump in the river? I'm really interested in doing this piece. Hope you guys want me to continue. So, please review!

January 20, 2008

Woot! I'm tired and I think my son is planning to kill me! A RL Stewie…Babies are scary!!! He won't stop staring at me not only is it him but my Weenie dog too!


	2. Part One: Dead Star

**January 20, 2008.**

**Fun times! Fun times!**

**-----**

Blinks. I'm updating! Whoop!

Thanks to all who reviewed the prologue!

Here is part one of First Person Plural. It might be a little confusing and sorry if it is.

Oh Yeah, at first I was trying to write this where those who didn't read Maybe I am Sick, wouldn't have to. But, I keep referring to it…so I guess if you wanna know what I'm talking about most of the time you might need to read it.

I made this chapter trying to explain all of the personalities. But there are too many I wanna write about so I just chose the main ones that will be "seen" throughout the fic.

I hope you enjoy. R and R Please!

**Steve POV**

It was silent when we entered the Curtis house and silence was never a good thing anymore. The TV was off, so was the radio. It was still and quiet.

"Pony!" Darry called out as he put his tool belt down on the back of his armchair. There was no answer.

Again, "Pony!" Nothing.

I glanced at Soda; he had sat down on the couch and was taking off his shoes. "Maybe he's not here." He suggested, taking off his work button shirt and throwing it across the coffee table.

"Naw, his shoes are here." Darry said while walking down the hall. He took a quick peek in the kitchen and then stopped in front of the door of the bathroom. He tried the knob only to find it was locked. I looked at Soda again; he paled a little at that. He and Darry agreed to replace the locks after Pony's doctor suggested they do it to prove to him they trusted him after everything happened.

Darry banged on the door, "Pony, open up!" No answer. Sodapop stood and joined Darry in front of the bathroom, trying the door again.

"Pone, ya in there?"

I just watched the two. "Damn it, kid." I just didn't know what to do, or say. I thought this shit was all over with.

Pony's POV

My reflection stared at me coolly, I just wanted to shrink back and hide. How could my own eyes, give me that look of so much hate?

_Because you hate yourself. _The voice beside me said.

The darkness consumed me and I felt myself being jerked to reality. I could see again, I could feel of the coolness of the sink under my hands, I was aware of the mix of sweat and water that ran down my face…I could hear…

"Ponyboy, open this door!" Fuck, Darry! He was banging on the door and I could hear the knob try to turn. No telling how long they had been calling me, long enough for them to panic.

"G-give me a sec, Dar!" I called out to them as I tossed the empty bottle into the trash.

The banging stopped.

"Pone, open the door, kay?" I sighed, that was Soda. Shit, I worried them…again.

_They aren't worried about you. _The voice, neither mean nor nice. Taunting, just taunting. Male, he was older, and he sounded like Darry in away.

I rub the towel on my head trying to dry it enough to keep it from dripping down my face, ears and neck. I unlocked the door and slowly opened it, my eyes looking at my feet as stood in front of my brothers, revealed to at least be alive.

_Sadly._ I could hear the smirk in the voice.

"Sorry, I was just…" I trailed off, what could I say?

'_Oh guys, sorry about that! One of my personalities took over and dyed my hair…and I couldn't hear you guys!'_ Uh, no. That just wouldn't do.

"Pony," I glanced up at Soda, his head was tilted slightly to the side his dark brown eyes filled with slowly dying fear and growing concern "your hair, I-I thought you wanted it back to your normal color."

I sighed, and shook my head with a shrug. "I just got use to blonde and I like it." I lied.

_And I think _we_ look so much better blonde, don't _we_ Ponyboy?_ She said making it a point to stress on the word 'we.'

I hated being blonde; I was blonde when Johnny and Dally died.

_When you killed them._

When I killed… "Sorry, 'bout makin' you guys worry." I interrupted my own thoughts "I guess I had water in my ears or somethin'." I gave them a plastered smile and waked past them into the living room, scratching a damp spot on my back that had started to itch. I gave Steve a short hello as I sat on the couch.

It was silent for a bit until the screen door opened and slammed shut. I didn't have to look up to see who it was. Of course, Two-bit.

"Hello Curtiseseseses!…and Steve." He greeted. Like normal, he darted into the kitchen, I heard the ice box door open and shut and he emerged a few seconds later, a long neck beer in hand. "Oh."

I looked up. Two-bit had the beer to his lips and was staring at me, "My goodness," he continued "The blonde headed monkey has returned."

I glared at him and threw a balled up piece of paper- an old burger wrapper- at him, which he dodged with a laugh, his beer never moving from being near his lips. "Yes, I went back blonde, okay?"

He just shrugged, "I ain't mad at ya'." He took another swig of his beer. Soda came to the couch and sat beside me, while Steve sat near the TV and turned it on catching Two-Bits attention. Darry…

He had sat in his armchair, said nothing. He just sat there…didn't look at me or anything.

Being Friday night, Steve and Soda went out with some chicks they said they had met while working. Two-Bit went out to do his usual party hopping. Darry stayed home, and was in his room. I didn't want to be a tag-a-long or get into any trouble, so I stayed home also.

I had been sitting on the porch since Soda and Steve left. I didn't want to be inside with the silence.

Damn I missed Johnny something awful.

_Why did you kill him? It's your fault, you dumb kid. If You didn't run into that burnin' church, he'd still be alive. You killed him. Your fault he's gone, your fault you miss him._

It was the voice that reminded me of Darry. His name is Clyde; he's about Darrys age, he's mean and big. He talks me down all the time…calls me stupid and weak. He makes a game out of it all…when he takes charge of my body; he likes to get me in trouble. Like, he argues with everyone. Purposely starting fights, especially with Darry, or Dr. Dawn.

_If you would've done what we told you to, long ago, Ponyboy, you wouldn't be hurting like this._ It was her again…Vanessa, she thinks she's the queen of the universe. She came right after the fire. She hates me, really hates me with all her heart (or my heart). She's constantly taunting and mocking me, making me feel like total shit. She hates large fires and bologna, everything taste like it to her…she doesn't let me eat.

_Your only best friend. "Nothing gold can stay", remember? He told you to stay gold? But, you can't stay…its impossible. Just go… _The voice, the one who, when I'm in the darkness, scares me… Jake, maybe Sodas age, he's smart. He makes me remember. Convinces me to do stuff, like the others…but he can, I don't know…just how he says things, you just have to do it or believe it. I have to. That's why he scares me.

I looked down at my hands they were shaking. Leave me alone…

_Never._ The three said.

_L-leave 'im alone. He ain't do nothin', he's good…he ain't hurt no one._ Jennifer, she was a tuff but nervous kid. She been around for a long time, at least since mom and dad died but I'm pretty sure even before then. She was shy but she could stand up to anyone, if they pushed her enough. She's about 15, she likes fast cars and movie stars. When my brothers are asleep she would sneak out and drive the truck. She almost got caught once, since our truck isn't all that quiet. She also like to lift- I'd empty out my pockets to find random things that weren't mine (ended up with 4 Social Studies books in my backpack once). Few weeks ago, she hotwired some Socs Mustang and took it on a joy ride leaving it in a ditch somewhere, 2 of the tires flattened.

_Shut up._

_Do ya know da muffin man? Da muffin man, Da muffin man? Do ya know da muffin man who lives on Berry lane…? Hehe_

Ah, Brent, he's young 5 or 6 I believe. He loves music and he's really shy. Oh, I can't forget, he has a big mouth. He will tell anyone what he saw, who did it, who said what…your typical kid. Not really... _Ev'ryone ya touch will die-eye! No one can touch, they will die. Red darker th'n a fire truck! We make people go away SHOO! _He sung and giggled. Brent had another side though. No one could touch me…him…us. He didn't like it. He'd scream and cry and it was next to impossible to calm him down. He really believe just touching will kill someone. At times, I believed him.

I know there are more, they haven't showed up though. Just whispering voices in the background…observing. Just waiting for their chance to pounce in and totally destroy me.

The door shutting brought me back to my scenes; I knew it was Darry so I didn't bother to turn around. I just looked up at the sky.

He sat beside me with a sigh, "Sure is a beautiful night. Not a lot of stars though." He said.

"Hm." I agreed, "Crashing down to earth, Wasting and burning out, Fading like a dead star…1"

_Oh great, just recite random crap like that in front of the guy that wants to commit you._ Clyde said with a snort.

"What?" I looked at Darry, his eyebrow was raised.

"Oh, just somethin' stuck in my head. Dunno where is from though…" I looked away from him.

"Pony…?" I looked at him again. "When you were in the bathroom…you…you didn't," he paused, readying his words. "You didn't cut your self, did you?"

I open my mouth, to give him an answer, honest yet not saying yes or no

"The slashes on my wrist and thighs

Pain, anguish and hate.

Hiding behind lies.

Once thought death was my only fate

Old scars, few fading

The newest ones have healed

Struggle to get out the pool of hate I am wading

Yet, still, your trust I have not sealed.2" I looked at my hands; I have no idea where _that_ came from.

I felt Darry put his arms around me, "Sorry, I had to ask." I leaned into him, taking in the comfort of my brother's embrace. I shut my eyes and relaxed, welcoming the sleep that would follow.

**AN: Ah…I guess I'll continue…**

**Darry**

Ponyboy worries me and he scares me. Earlier when Pony didn't answer me, I was scared shitless. In my head I could picture breaking down the door and seeing him on the floor red blood coming from his wrists.

That's why I asked if he had cut. I know I hurt him; I just don't want him to hurt himself anymore. I don't know what to do, I feel so useless now.

I looked down at him, my head resting on his blonde locks, "He answered me with a poem." I chucked some at that.

I felt him shiver next to me and I drew him closer to me warping my other arm around him. He was so tiny now, he barely ate. Every time we'd try to get him to eat something, he'd look at the food as if he was a hungry dog staring at scraps. He'd take a few bites and something would snap, he'd push the food away saying he was full and leave.

He shivered again. I picked him up into my arms, taking one last look at the night sky, and walked inside.

As the door shut behind me, he jumped nearly making me drop him. "Pony?" He was looking up at me, his eyes big and lost. "You okay?" he started wiggling trying to get out of my arms. "Easy, easy" I said putting him down. He quickly backed up, his back against the wall. "Pony?" I said again.

What the hell was wrong with him? Why'd he look so scared? I walked towards him, reaching out.

He shook his head, wide and scared. "No…no no no no!" Then he ran out the front door, as if running for his life…or running from someone.

I ran out the door after him, I ran after him down the street, he turned a corner and I cursed out loudly to myself. I knew I had lost him then and sure enough when I turned the corner he was gone.

**To Be Continued…**

**Locks referring to the locks that were taken out on Maybe I am Sick (chapter 9)**

**First Person Plural-Part One All in my Head**

**1 Dead Star by Muse **

**2 Hehe I made up that poem on the spot. ******


	3. Part Two: Graveside Nightmare

**January 21, 2008**

**Hi again!!! It's a bit after midnight now!**

**---**

**Wow, finally an update! While listening to my Bad Religion CD I got the inspiration I needed to complete this chapter! Plus, I was watching VH1's 100 Greatest Teen Stars and C. Thomas Howell came up…so my evil mind started to work once again!**

**Warning: It's kinda…like a whoa chapter. So, you might have to read over it once of twice to understand what's going on. **

**Hope you enjoy!**

**--------------------**

**Darry**

I searched for him everywhere and had been unable to find him. He'd been gone for almost two hours and I was starting to freak out. Well, I was past freaking out…

Ponyboy where are you? What's wrong? Please, come home. What happened? What's going on in that head of yours? Come home Pony! Please!

I was pacing the porch, as I had been for half an hour now. I nervously rubbed my hands over my jeans as I walked down the drive looking down the street. _Pony!_ _Where the hell are you, kid?_

I was about to restart my search for him again, when I heard the sputtering of Steve's car driving down the street from the opposite way. As soon as they neared the house I could hear them laughing and someone singing off key along with the radio.

"…you I feel happy inside! It's such a feelin' that my love I can't hide! Lalala! "1

I watched as the car parked and the three teens inside piled out, and I discovered it was my brother who was singing…well, I wouldn't really call it singing.

"…that somethin' I think you'll understand…and something…um something somethin_--"_ He stopped his…singing, when he saw my face. "Dar? Somethin' wrong?"

"Pony…he went missin' two hours ago." I said bluntly, I hated ruining the good night for the kid, but you don't have many choices when you have a disturbed little brother missing.

"What!" He came over to me, grabbing my arms, glaring up at me with his dark eyes "What are ya standin' here for? Why ain't ya lookin' for him?" I pulled away from him. If I wasn't so worried about Ponyboy that would have pissed me off…of course I've looked for him!

"I have." I said sternly.

Anger left his face, in its place was full worry- he reminded me of mom when he looked like that.

"What ha-happened?" Two-Bit asked. I shot a glance at him, the Idiot was boozed and swaying, almost looked like he was going to pass out where he was standing.

I ran my hand through my hair and then stuffed my hands in my pockets with an exhausted sigh. "I have no idea. He just freaked out and ran. I looked everywhere for him but…he just vanished."

"Shit."

"Let's go. He has to be somewhere."

---------------

**Pony's POV**

----------------

_Johnny Cade-_

_Loving friend and son._

_May he rest in peace._

--------

_Dallas Winston._

_Rebel without a cause but not without friends._

_He will be missed._

I want to cry but I can't. I'm frozen, like the stones before me, like my friends below me. Though their souls are in heaven, mine is trapped in my own body, my own hell.

"…_we killed 'em."_ Brent said, somewhere beside me. Earlier I watched in horror as he came out in front of Darry and ran, leaving my confused older brother behind. But, now he was back in the darkness with the others and me. _"London Bridge is fallin' down, fallin' down…" _He continued singing and my attention went back to the scene before me.

I…we were at the graveyard, the one that contained my friends and my parents.

"The people you killed." Jake was in charge of my body. "We have to repent for our sins Ponyboy." He reached into the pocket of my pants…his pants…pulling out a switchblade.

"_Do it Jake, show the boy."_ Vanessa hissed, she was right in my ear. If I could feel, I know I would feel her breath on my face and her nails digging into my arm. I heard Clyde chuckle in the background, if I could see him, I would just see the glinting of his black eyes and a smirk on his lips.

_No Jake…please don't. Please…!_ I begged him.

"We have to." He began singing as he flipped out the blade and pressed it to the already mutilated skin on my arm.

"Innocence Burned, Alive on the Stage

Tortured and Dumped in nameless graves  
Centuries weighed, authority died  
Scattering seeds of bleach and lye…." 2

I didn't feel the pain as he dragged the blade down; I was numb. He repeated the process several times, and we watched as red trails made their way down my arm and drip down unto the grass below.

There was a long silence, Jake had stopped singing and so had Brent. Vanessa stopped her taunting, and Clyde chuckles died out. Something was going on.

My vision blurred and went dark; the grave markers in front of me vanished.

Cold.

That was the first thing I felt. The cold and the sweat on my body. I could now feel the sharp needle like pains coming from my left arm, I could feel the damp grass under my hands, I could feel the numbing pain from my knees from kneeling for a long period of time…

I was back in control. I could hear voices shouting my name, it wasn't in my head but from somewhere behind me.

"Ponyboy!" I couldn't move to turn to see who was calling my name. I was shaking too hard.

…_loving friend….will be missed…._

A sob escaped from my lips, my vision blurred again but this time from the tears threaten to fall. I didn't hold back, I let them out.

"_Your fault Ponyboy…"_ Clyde sneered in my head _"You killed them."_

"Ponyboy!"

"_Let your brothers see how weak you are…yet again!"_ Vanessa let out a sharp laugh. _"Pitiful"_

I just sobbed harder squeezing my eyes shut, dropping the blade in my hand, I brought them up to my ears- pressing my palms against them wanting to mute them out, my efforts were futile.

"…_There's a furnace set on high  
And a yearning undefined  
But it's time to turn the tide  
It's social suicide" _Jake…why won't he stop? Why won't they stop!

"_We won't stop until you die."_ Vanessa, please…leave me alone!

"_Ring around the rosie…" _Brent was singing.

"_Shut up…" _Jennifer whispered.

"Shut up…" My hands were pulled from my ears; I opened my eyes to find Soda in front of me. His own eyes clouded with tears.

"Baby." His mouth moved to form the word, but no sound came out. It was just a chocking sob.

"Make it stop 'oda. Make 'em go away…"

"Make who go away?" Darry's voice questioned from my left side.

"_Shhh…don't say a word Pony." _

"_Shut up…" _Jennifer whispered again, this time a notch louder.

"Darry…" I turned to him, he was looking at me arm, pulling my hands from Soda's grasp.

"…_yearning undefined…" _Jake…stop.

"_Shut up…!" _No more yelling, please!

I put my hands up to my head, gasping. "In…in my head. Make 'em go away…"

"_Don't say anything else Pony, they'll put you away again."_

"_SHUT UP!"_ Jennifer screamed, shocking me._ "SHUT UP!_ _SHUT UP!_ _SHUT UP!_ _SHUT UP!_ " I doubled over crying harder, arms encircled me trying to pull me up. Jennifer was screaming…but someone was screaming with her.

I didn't know who until the screaming muffled at the same time my face was pressed against a chest and the scratchy feeling in my throat.

"Shut…up, plea-please. Shut up…"

Brent was giggling, enjoying the show, _"Ring around the rosie…"_He began to sing again, when all the screaming stopped.

I had stopped crying and clung to the person holding me, by the scent it had to be Soda, another pair of arms were around me, stronger arms…Darry.

"… _a pocket full of posies…"_

My eyelids were getting heavy. I'm tired.

"Ashes…Ashes…we all fall down."

----------------------

**Well? Hm? Review, please! Sorry…this chapter was actually very fun to write. If this was a movie, well…it would've been switching all over the place! **

_**1 The Beatles- I want to Hold your hand. I believe this came out somewhere between 1965-1968.**_

_**2 Bad Religion- Sinister Rouge**_

_**Bad Religion- Social Suicide**_

**Anyway…please review! Suggestions are also welcomed!**


	4. Part Three: Fifteen Year Old Promise

**January 21, 2008.**

**Alrightly, last chapter to edit and hopefully I can start new chapters. Wish me luck!! Ponyboy is still 14 years old and will be celebrating his 15****th**** birthday in upcoming chapters.**

**----**

_Sorry about the delay in the update. This chapter is really short but hopefully the next will be longer. I'm going to also see about getting the other updated while I'm up and can't sleep._

_My friend Joanna Rodgers went missing over 2 years ago from here in Lubbock, Texas. _

"_Bring Jo Home!"_

_A guy recently confessed to killing her. She was a good friend of mine in High School and enjoyed reading my fanfiction. _

_Joanna Kathryn Rodgers, I miss you and love you. If you…are dead…may you rest in peace. This chapter is for you my friend, I miss you._

_Welcome home Jo._

_----------------------------------_

_Not again._

Watching my little brother as he slept in my arms, his face was not peaceful but twisted in pain and sorrow. A look that no fourteen year old kid should have on his face.

I look outside the window of his and Sodas bedroom, sometime ago it had started to rain.

_Not again. The dark cloud is back._

Soon he would be fifteen years old and it broke my heart to think he did not even want to reach his birthday.

I ran my hand across his forehead and smiled slightly as his brows relaxed and he looked more a peace. I couldn't help thinking at that moment, about the first day I saw him. The first day I held him.

_Soda and I were in the waiting room of the hospital, he was sitting in his seat his tiny legs not even folding over the edge of the chair, just sticking straight forward. He was eating some chocolate pudding a nurse had brought us. I kept wiping his face, but he kept getting it covered back up with the chocolate mass._

_Dad came in shortly after the pudding bowl was empty. A big grin on his face and his eyes were red and glassy. "Ponyboy." He gasped; he grabbed us and hugged us with all his might "You're both big brothers! A little boy, Ponyboy Michael Curtis!"_

_He pulled back, his grin still present. "Ya'll want to see him?"_

_Seeing Pony for the first time was, scary to be honest. He was smaller than what I remember Sodapop was, of course he was a month premature the doctors said. When mom handed me him, I thought he was going to let out a shout like Sodapop did. But, he didn't, he was silent his big eyes looking up at me._

"_Don't worry." I said as he yawned, "I'll protect you."_

"He okay?" I turned from the window to look at Soda standing in the doorway.

"I don't think so." We stared at each other for awhile and there was just silence. He started to step forward but stopped. His eyes were focus on Ponyboy and he looked scared.

"When…when is everything going to get better Darry?"

"I wish I knew." I looked down at Ponyboy again, his face was completely relaxed now. He snuggled in closer to me his eyes still shut, he loosened his grip on my shirt and brought his arm up and rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Ponybo-" He pulled him self up and rested his head on the opposite shoulder his hand was on.

"Don't call me that" He mumbled, his breath hot on my neck. I heard him chuckle, "Ponyboy isn't here right now."

"What-"

He placed his finger on my lips "Don't talk." he whispered into my neck. He then pulled away from me and out of my arms and stood up. Staring down at me, his eyes narrowed and a small smirk on his lips.

He turned towards Soda, who looked very frightened, his mouth was slightly open as if he wanted to say something but couldn't. That seemed to amuse 'Ponyboy' who chuckled.

He then looked down at his arms which were bandaged "Why do you even try?"

"What?"

"Why don't you let us die? Let Pony die. All this would be over with if you did. You can go back to having a normal life, and not worry about this good for nothing."

"Wait a minute! Why would we…why are you talking like this?" I stood up and reach for him, but he just backed away his back hitting the closet door.

He shut his eyes and slid down the door until he was sitting on the ground. He pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face; his shoulders started shaking as if he was crying.

He was crying. I knelt beside him, Soda still hadn't moved, and pulled him into my arms. "It's okay, baby. Its okay."

"No…it ain't. It ain't eva' gon' be okay, ya dig. Nothin' gon' be okay." He sniffed, raising his head and wipping his eyes. "Look at me, cryin' like a baby. I ain't no baby though."

"No one said you were, Pony."

"Brents da' baby. Not me, I'm tuff." He looked at me shooting me a smirk I never saw on his face before. A smirk that Dally wore, like someone who was raised to be tuff and nothing but tuff would work.

Not Ponyboy.

He rested his heads on his knees again, and his body leaned in to me.

"Help me, Darry." He whispered clutching my shirt in his hands again. "Please, make them go away. They confuse me, I don't know who I am anymore."

"What are you talkin' about Ponyboy, you're you and no one else." Soda, finally moved from the door and came over to us. "Nothin' is wrong with you. You're just stressed out or somethin', you're getting better."

I looked up at him from my position on the floor. He wasn't making a move to comfort our younger brother like he normally would. He was just standing above us, clenching his hands at his sides in fist.

He's giving up.

Sodapop, the guy Pony ran to before anyone was giving up on him.

"You're fine." He repeated.

"You hate me." Pony mumbled into my shirt, but Soda heard him.

"I don't."

"You do. You're not home anymore anytime I'm around you go the other way."

"Because…I'm tired."

"…of me."

"No, I want you to get better! But you don't want to!"

"What?" Pony and I both exclaimed. Pony again pulled away from me to turn to Soda.

"You're always cuttin' up or burnin' your skin and doin' weird things!"

"It's….not me!"

"Then who is it!"

"Soda…" I warned, but be ignored me.

"The voices? Is it the voices who are doin it then?"

"You don't understand."

"I'm tired of hearin' things about you! I'm tired of workin' and people comin' up to me askin' if I'm the brother of the boy who cuts himself! The one that tried to off himself! I'm tired, of comin' home not knowin' if you're gonna be on the floor dead of hangin' from the ceilin'!"

"What do you want me to do, Soda. If you can tell me what to do, I'll do it!"

"GET BETTER!" He screamed and then turned running out the room. The door slamming let us knew he was gone from the house.

"He hates me, Darry."

"No he doesn't. He's tired and stressed." I pulled him towards me, "You'll be okay" I said, sounding like a broken record.

**----------------------**

**Sodas POV**

----------------------

The rain how slowed and lighted before I reached the end last porch steps and by the time I reached the end of our block it had stopped.

The rain left behind signs of its visit of course. Puddles dotted the streets and lawns. The smell, oh the familiar heavy scent of rain, a smell that brought back good times.

I don't hate him. He is my little brother, he is everything to me. I'm the person he would always run to when there was a problem.

I love him.

_Mom and dad quickly followed behind us, making sure we had on our rain galoshes and rain coats, even though it had stopped raining long ago. We just wanted puddles! _

_Darry and I were in the backyard jumping in larger and muddier puddles. He laughed when I actually got my boot stuck in some mud. _

_"Better hope you didn't step in Mister Whisker's grave, Soda." _

_Mr. Whiskers was a old tomcat that hung around, it let us feed it and play with it, so he was considered a pet. He died last year, not sure how, guess he just ran out of lives. I paled for a second, mental image of my booted foot squishing the beloved dead cat- before I remember we buried him closer to the fence. _

_I glared at Darry giving my foot and boot one good tug and I was free. Before I could say anything back to my older brother, dads booming laughter caught our attention. We went to the front only to immediately double over in a fit of laughter. _

_My four year old brother was sitting and splashing around in a big puddle, laughing like crazy. The rain water reached half way to his belly button. Wait...belly button. Last I saw he was fully clothed, rain coat and galoshes just like me and Darry. _

_"Oh! My! God!" Moms reaction only stacked on the laughter. She rushed over to him, pulling him from the water. "You're going to catch a cold! How-" She stopped talking and looked around the yard. Pony's clothes were thrown all over the lawn his coat had seemed to be the first thing he got rid of since it laid near the steps. Not at all far from dad who was our so called 'adult supervisor'. _

_"I told you Mama, don't buy a little boy a pink coat." He said as mom stormed past him into the house. But, not before letting a laugh escape from her lips._

I'm just, scared. Mom and dad aren't here. They can't help. He is sick and I don't know what else to do for him. I can't drape my arm around him and make these problems go away. I can't smile at him and make the scars fade. 

I don't want to come home and find him hanging from the ceiling of our bedroom or in the bathroom bleeding from his wrist.

I just want everything to be normal again.

I wish Dally and Johnny were alive. Maybe none of this ever would've happened.

A couple of weeks ago, when everything was kind of normal. I did something I haven't told anyone- I cut myself, I just wanted to see what kind of "joy" Pony got out of it. But it hurt like a son of a bitch and I never did it again.

I just don't understand. I don't know what to do anymore. So many trips to the hospital and to Dr. Dawn. So many bottles of pills to make him better. So many long night talks.

Nothing is helping.

And now, these "voices" are back, and they are making him act different. Sound different. Like, they are taking over or something.

A shiver ran down my spine.

"_I'm not Ponyboy."_ He said, what did that mean. DO they take over?

No, that makes no sense!

I sit down on a old car seat in the lot, holding my head in my hands, a lit cancer stick dangling from my lips, the smoke made my eyes sting. I didn't smoke much, the taste was brutal but I needed something!

I just want my little brother back. My happy, nerdy, spacey little brother.

I'm…..giving up on him?

I think so.

"_Are you going to be a good big brother Pepsi-Cola?" I barely recall dad asking me when Pony was born._

"_Baby Horsey." I said, pointing to the baby in his arms, to Pony. _

_Dad laughed, "Remember, how I thought you to hold a baby?"_

_I nodded, crossing my arms. "I hold 'im"_

_Slowly dad put my little brother in my arms. Keeping his arms around me making sure I was holding him right and didn't drop him. "Good. See your little brother?"_

"_He look funny…" Pony was staring up at me with his large green eyes. "I kwep you safe, me, mama, papa, Darry kwep you safe."_

I'll keep you safe. I promised you, I can't give up on you now. Plus, I have to get you back for peeing in my face that day. I can't give up.

I stood up and began running back home.

I will be okay, someday, it will.

--------

**TBC**

-------


	5. Part Four: Don't Wake Up

Hello my lovers! It's been so long. This chapter is a tad rush since I have something to do it a bit, but I really want to get this posted! I've been wanting to continue this fic for so long! Finally, I'm sorta able to.

Sorry for the long wait! But, thanks for the reviews! I love you all, hopefully most of you are still out there. However, you could be like me where you fall in and out of a certain fandom.

Warning: SHORT!!! Just a filler chapter, to get things rolling next chapter I hope will be delicious to make up for it.

I also haven't written anything in awhile so rough patches ahead!

**------**

**-----------**

Did you think it's cool  
To walk right up  
To take my life  
And fuck it up  
Well did you?  
Well did you?

I see hell in your eyes  
Taken in by surprise(surprise)  
Touching you makes me feel alive  
Touching you makes me die inside

-Jay Gordon of Orgy

Slept So Long.

**--------------**

**-----**

**Pony POV**

When I woke up, to be honest I felt like crap. All I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. Somehow I didn't; I pushed myself out of bed grabbed some clothes and quickly went to take a nice hot shower before I was tempted to just collapse back onto the bed.

The whole time I stood in the bathroom, I tired not to think. If I didn't think, maybe they wouldn't wake up. I guess they slept. I tried not to look at my arms- I feared if I did something would trigger and the noise would start all over again.

The kitchen went dead silent when I entered. No surprise after everything that had went down last night.

I could feel their eyes on me as I made my way to the ice box for some juice, but managed to ignore them successfully as a pour myself a glass of OJ, even though they were giving me goose-bumps and made the hair on the back of my neck stand.

Taking a deep breath I turned around to face them, "Morning." I finally greeted.

Soda smiled, a smile that didn't reach his eyes, grape jelly covering the side of his mouth. "Mornin' Pone." He said before biting into the bacon and grape jelly biscuit sandwich.

I sat down and wrinkled my nose as he took a drink of the chocolate milk with his mouth still full. "Ew, Soda. Wouldn't that taste better with….something else."

"Shoot Pone, nothin' is better then chocolate milk!"

"Except beer!" Two-Bit hollered from the living room, where I had seen him enjoying his usual breakfast of chocolate cake.

I just rolled my eyes and let out a quick laugh. "Two-bit you're a few drinks away from becoming an alcoholic!" I hollered back.

He replied but I didn't understand a word he said with his mouthful.

I reached for a strip of bacon, inwardly bracing myself for a shout from Vanessa. But, none came. I nibbled at the bacon, testing and waiting. Everything was silent.

What the f-

"You alright Ponyboy?" I looked over to Darry, well where Darry was a minute ago sitting on the other side of me, but no longer was. I turned my head to see he was standing near the stove, pouring coffee into his cup.

I watched him for a second, noting the bags under his eyes had started to return, he sounded completely exhausted. My fault.

Still silence inside my head.

"Just thinking." I finally said slowly.

He stood there, watching me as he took a sip from his mug. Nervously I reached out and grabbed another piece of bacon, this time eating the crispy strip in two bites, before grabbing another. He was still watching me.

Beside me Soda coughed softly, "What are ya thinkin' about?"

Before answering him, I snatched a biscuit from the place sitting on the table. I cut it in half before spreading the sweet sticky grape jelly on the buttery deliciousness.

For the first time in several months I was able to eat without interruptions. Without feeling like shit about it. I brought the biscuit up to my mount and took a bite. It was delicious! For once I could eat without being told how weak I was, without being told I had no control, without being told how much of a pig I was.

Oh God.

I licked my lips and placed this biscuit on Sodas plate since I didn't bother to grab once for myself.

Slowly, I sipped on my juice; I honestly didn't know what I was thinking about. How strangely silent my mind was? Ha.

"Pony?"

Let them hear what they want to hear, "I was thinking about last night and…" I paused taking in a deep breath, "I'm sorry. You were right Soda I'm just stressed. I can't keep just getting by in school with them mailing my assignments and work here. But, I'm scared about going _back_ to school. I thought about transferring to Will Rogers High School…but yeah Soda, everyone knows! I'm sorry." Ramble. Ramble. I turned to Darry and gave him a weak smile, "I'm sorry Dar. I really screwed up." I looked down at my arm that was covered with a sleeve. But we knew what lay underneath, new cuts Jake had made.

"This," I raised my arm, "was a terrible mistake. I messed up again and things were going so good!"

Yeah right. During my pause I heard hushed voices and then the door shutting. Guess Two-Bit and Steve went outside to give us more privacy.

Darry walked back over to the table and sat down with a sigh. "We're making an appointment with Dr. Dawn as soon as she if back from her conference next week."

I sighed that was the last thing I wanted right now. "But Darry!"

"Stressed or not, yesterday you had a thing called a relapse Pony!"

I bit my lower lip. Don't argue back, don't get upset…Clyde might wake up! Taking yet another deep breath, I nodded tightly. "Alright…alright."

Maybe if I could keep this up, keep them from waking up I we can try and fix things. Try and go back to normal.

I could do this.

Just relax.

**TBC**

**AN: **

I may add something to this first thing in the morning. I'll make sure to put something on the next chapter if I do.

Will Rodgers is a High School in Tulsa that SE Hinton went to. So, I'm not sure if it was ever stated in the book, but maybe our Outsider Lovers went there. However, in MIAS, I just put Tulsa High School :)

So here he is enrolled in Tulsa High but hasn't attended physically since his suicide attempt in MIAS. Assignments have been sent home and he has a twice a week tutor and numbers to teachers when he has questions, he may be crazy but he still smart so not much help is needed from anyone but Darry to check over his work.

I never really had much a timeline in MIAS so I'm working on it to actually find out what month we're even in so I can get this ship a rolling! But hey it's just a fic, if I wanted it to be winter in this chapter and summer the next I can! P But, I won't lol.

Alrighty, gonna end this. Late night raid on WoW…I have already started the next chapter and my hubby is suppose to take the baby to his parents house tomorrow. Hope to see ya then!

**PS.**

Being a new mother, I now have insomnia. I'm up for like 2 day straight before crashing and letting the male species take over. So, during the nights I am awake I will hopefully be able to finish this without the two years between updates part :P


End file.
